Thursday, December 17, 2009


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In my current state, I have barely begun sleeping without fitfull dreams, nightmares, constant fighting.

If I eat, it is one meal and hardly finished unless I push hard. Nothing tastes good, nothing smells right, everything turns my stomach and I turn from it. I am left feeling weaker than usual but somehow still managing, a sensation of constant swimming in my head, and deep anger that despite my best efforts to change this I can't get it to change.

This time of stress has seemed to greatly increase my sex drive (as if I really needed that). I crave it constantly, can't get it off my mind, crave Him and text Him to make sure He comes home faster so I can get more. Orgasms are immensely better, sensations so much stronger, but my head won't stop swimming.

I'm in an awkward state of depression. Not outwardly depressed enough so that those who barely know me would think I am, yet depressed enough so that those who do know me are afraid for me. I don't care for their pity, I don't want it. All I want is my child and for him to be able to stay by my side until the time I release him to go out into the world. That's the way we planned it, that's the way it should be. Enraged, I will have it no other way.